This Time

This round of chemo is not as easy as my last, especially mentally.  After reflecting on why this is, I think I have figured out some of the reasons.  In general, I feel better than with my last round, so in contrast, the days when I don't feel well, seem far worse than when I was in a chemo fog all of the time.  Things can still be foggy now, but in general, much less so.  I am better focused these days, and feel much less spacey.

The last round of side effects were so weird and interesting. With every treatment they would change slightly, giving me something to focus on.  Each time the effects of the neuropathy worsened, it was  in surprising and new ways.  I had to be creative in dealing with each new level of intensity.  There were physical challenges which had to be met with well thought out solutions.  This kept my mind busy problem solving, so it wasn't dwelling on other things so much. My main challenge with this chemo is just nausea.  The solution is to take a pill.  Sometimes it makes me much feel better, and sometimes it doesn't.  Because it is not just your run of the mill nausea, I don't always recognize it right away, and then it takes me a little longer to get myself out of it. 

As the neuropathy from my last chemo fades, I am feeling some of the same effects I had before in reverse.  My fingers and feet have much more sensitivity than they did a month ago, but they still feel weird.  When I wake up in the morning and stretch my feet, it feels as if they are made out of some kind of stretchy but sightly stiff plastic.  Right now both my fingers and feet feel like they are asleep most of the time, but I can feel them, which is heartening after a few months of numbness.

One of the most important things that helped me through the last nine months was writing about what was happening to me physically and mentally.  Even when I couldn't type, and I resorted to drawing  what I was going through, the process was so helpful.  It gave me a goal every day.  When I stopped writing, things seemed to change, my focus changed.  I was trying not to think or feel so much.  I don't think this was very helpful.  If I sit and start to listen again, maybe I will find there are interesting things about this round, and writing about it will pass the time, and before I know it, it will all be over.